Grace and I pulled up to a restaurant. This would be the first time we’d go to a sit-down joint together. We had been dating for a few years, and it was date night. I felt a wave of sorrow roll over me as I knew I had to prepare her for the eventuality that she’d be mistaken for an occupational caretaker. We talked about how strangers perceived me before, but she hadn’t experienced it yet.
The waitress introduced herself, glanced at me once, and engaged only with Grace. Fair enough, it’s less of a hassle for me. But she came back, and in chatting with Grace, she said, “It’s great that you take him out.” Grace dispatched that notion with great efficiency, “He’s my boyfriend.” she stated with stone-cold factual clarity. I sat there and watched this poor girl realize her error. She looked at me, and I sheepishly smiled back. Grace was furious, which felt strangely cathartic.
I remember feeling pure outrage, realizing what people assumed about me and the implications therein. I’d do all I could to prove my intelligence to reclaim my stolen personhood. It was all very exhausting! I had to make peace with the fact I present the way I do. People assume stuff about me, but being honest, I would too if the roles were swapped. When I am misjudged, I get it now. I understand. Retaliation is out of place. Upon realization, people can feel embarrassment and shame, and I’ve found ways to minimize that.
Being prepared for it is a game changer because then you’re not reacting out of anger. You can even prepare for it and have specially curated responses. While misunderstandings like this require patience, I recognize that some people face real malice, and for that, we can look to Jesus, who endured true cruelty with unimaginable grace, even on the cross.
Our poor waitress didn’t say much and didn’t leave room for conversation. I think I could’ve managed the situation better. But that was my girlfriend’s, now wife’s, first tango with that whole thing. We’ve since got a pretty good system down. At the end of the day, it’s not actually about correcting every misunderstanding. It’s about being like Jesus and learning to respond like he would.
Jonathan Duncan
EFCC Member